It is the last few pages of this journal before I begin, yet again, another with blank pages. Pages that look empty; they beg to be filled with words and thoughts. I remember the first time I put pen to paper in a journaling exercise. I can see myself looking at the blank page and wondering, “what would I ever write?” Nothing came to mind. I put it away and did not try again for a very long time. It felt silly or useless somehow. Boy, was I wrong, it is a gift of self-love, which I cherish. A place to share into the spirit world. When times are hard, and I struggle, I like to write down my thoughts looking for a breeze. In the Sound of Music, Maria says, “When God closes the door, somewhere He opens a window!” Finding that window can be the challenge.
Over the past few weeks, I have found myself presenting content in various ways to various audiences. I have been invited to speak and share my thoughts with others. Some are in person, and some are online. All challenging in their own way. These opportunities cause me to be steeped in my own content, swirling around what it is I think I know. The more I swim around in my own world the smaller it gets. Do you ever feel that way?
Just today, I heard a young girl (in a clip) say that a drawing she created with a face in the sky, was the face of her Daddy watching over her. Mom had asked, “is this the man in the moon?” The child stopped her in her tracks. The child said Daddy told her he would be watching over her from above and in her child’s open mind she accepted and believes that is where he is. When do we lose our ability to think like a child? With openness and wonder. It does not even dawn on her that her dad is anywhere else than where he said he would be. It is an open window of information.
This clip caused me to stop and wonder why I was feeling like all the doors were closing around me. Where had my own wonder and vast thinking gone? It seemed to be caught up in my ego mind working hard at dotting all the “I’s” and crossing all the “T’s” to be sure the presentations I am doing are perfect and reflect all the knowledge they believe I have. I lost the child-like endless sky thinking that is my faith, my belief, that here on this earth is not all there is.
As I have been presenting, I have got caught up in the content, the right to be speaking to a group of people who are seeking to learn. I took the role of teacher or leader, losing sight of anything new and adventurous. I put what I have gleaned into a jar or a bottle for others to look at from the outside in. I contained it so I could present it. When we put boundaries on things, we control them. I get caught up in my own head, worrying that the people I am speaking to may feel they did not get their money’s worth. That I would fail them. My mother always told me I was “too big for my britches” and sometimes she is right. Too big because I grow spiritually and outgrow old thinking and allow change to happen.
Most of the time when I address a group, I do so from the heart with a short outline of a basic direction I want to go. People will ask for a copy of what I delivered, and I must tell them they should have recorded it, as I have no copy. It is ephemeral and spontaneous, which is how I like to be present in the world. I use my “faith” that I will be fed what is needed at the time. Do you ever trust that much?
What is faith? When that question is asked, many default to, “church” or link having faith, to religion. For me faith is a deep trust that there is something greater waiting to be trusted with our journey. When Daddy told the little girl, “I will watch over you from above,” that brought her comfort and trust that until someone tells her different. Faith is a knowing versus believing. Most religions want us to “believe” in something when our faith and trust comes from “knowing”. This is changing in our new normal and pandemic times. I have had deep conversations about the virus and its purpose and how it has spiritually affected many people.
As I write on the last few blank pages, I wonder if I will start a new one or will I just stop writing. Seems appropriate timing to take a break. Let my thoughts just flow out into the world through my work and my hiking and stop writing it down. Who knows? Like life, we are born and it feels like a beginning, but is it? Where did we come from before we were born? Then we die, and little girls believe daddies are looking down from above. Is there more beyond the physical body? The book ends, life ends, is that all there is? We just stop?
I will continue to write because I know it is what I am to do. I will continue my faithful journey that there is more to this than we can see. I will continue to share what I have learned with others in the best way I know how and hope something I say or do will bring joy to their lives. Today, I ask, will you do the same? Will you begin to trust there is more for you to see, more for you to care about, and reach beyond your own ego’s needs to be right to share love in the world? I am reflective today because our world is desperately in need of love and care for others. Step out of your own journey and on to the road of another. We have all been shaken up … as the dust settles, share the love.
Cynthia Breadner is a grief specialist and bereavement counsellor, a soul care worker and offers specialized care in Spiritually Integrated Psychotherapy with special attention as a cognitive behavioral therapy practitioner and trauma incident resolution facilitator. She volunteers at hospice, works as a LTC chaplain and is a death doula, assisting with end-of-life care for client and family. She is the mother part of the #DanCynAdventures duo and practices fitness, health and wellness. She is available remotely by safe and secure video connections, if you have any questions contact her today! [email protected] breakingstibah.com
