.jpg;w=960)
“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you are alone with!” Dr. Wayne Dyer
Being alone versus being lonely! This past week my work took me to a place that could be seen as sad or unfair. I find myself in these places where I can choose to see the experience in many different ways, and it is why I love my work. I have been asked how do I do it, desire to be with people at end of life? I like to think of myself as a firefighter. When the flames are all around and everyone else is panicking, I put on my tools, equipment, and my passion and I run in while everyone else is running out. To heal and understand the burning down of our lives we must stand at the source, feel the heat, and process the fire and this is a solo journey. Being alone does not mean one must be lonely.
I arrived prepared emotionally and ready to sit with the elders and was greeted with smiles, laughter, and joy. The staff of the LTC seems to be finding their way through the pandemic and, if I dare to say, hope feels like it is on the horizon. As I had my screening swab, the practitioner and I talked about world travel and family that is far away. The pools of longing to see and hold loved ones were reflected in her eyes. So many of our frontline care providers support family here and family far away. Sometimes it can be a lonely feeling when money is the only thing that can span the distance.
I made my way to the community I was visiting this day and was met by staff who directed me to a client I had visited before. She had not risen from her bed that morning and it was apparent her last days of life were being lived. Decades of living are ending. Her time in her body is limited and now showing signs that death is imminent. I sat with her for a while because she was alone. Family had not arrived and considering the times, I am unsure of who could come anyway. She was clear-headed and sleepy. I let her sleep and as she did, I gently hummed some favourite tunes that came to mind, and then I read to her. She gently breathed, her chest going up and down. The softness of her lips against her gums caused a soft snore and I stroked her brow. She did not stir. I prayed a message that she would find peace on her journey and in her coming days slip painlessly onto whatever is next. I pondered that her soul would find its way home when the time came. She was alone and yet showed no signs of loneliness. There was peace in the room. I felt the gentleness of endings upon me and know the next time I visit this sweet woman will have moved on from this earthly realm. She appeared ready and was calmly waiting her turn.
I went and sat with another person, and we did a puzzle together in the common room. There were voices all around us people talking, rustling and the TV was on. I purposely chose to work a puzzle to help this woman and redirect her thoughts. She was lonely and struggling with her dementia as to why her family has abandoned her. In her cognitive state, she is stuck on loneliness. She is far from alone and yet feels very lonely and lost. She kept asking why her family had left her here and had not returned to pick her up. She had the recurring thought she needed to get to the front lobby to meet them and why could I not take her. Constant reassurance and redirect are her friends. The puzzle worked for a few moments and joy came to her face. Fate is a fickle lover taking its place in people in many ways and we never know how our aging will manifest in us. For her, it was a lonely feeling and a feeling of abandonment.
As I said my goodbyes, my time for visiting was up I was prompted to look over my shoulder and to my right. “Go visit them” I heard. I looked and there was a couple in the corner holding hands. Trusting my instinct, I headed over and introduced myself and they welcomed me to sit down. We had a lively discussion filled with farming talk, pandemic woes, “where do you live” questions, that all culminated into a 45-minute chat. During this conversation, I discovered she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease many years ago, and only recently it had progressed beyond his ability to care for her. It had come time for her to be cared for formally and as he told me this part of the story, through the shield, over the mask, beyond his glasses I could see the loneliness that he is suffering. After six decades of marriage, they were now parted and their home was empty and he is feeling the loneliness. Our silent exchange let him know I heard this lonely cry and while he is putting up a good front, I am sure in the dark of the evening when it is time to turn off the TV and go to bed, there are a few tears shed.
As I write, I am preparing to head away to a remote cabin in the woods beside the river on family property. I live alone and will go away alone, and it always feels so strange. Someone called it a “change of scenery” and I suppose it is. It is also my chance to take the one I love most dear on a wee holiday (myself, if you are wondering). You see, to me, I am no longer lonely as a rule. I have bouts of lonely times when I pine for the past and miss my mother and father who are now dead, the big laughter of my brother who also died, my aunts and uncles who, once, took my face in her hands and boldly stated, “you are wearing too much makeup!” This loneliness is soon replaced with thoughts of my grandsons as they call to me, “come run with me gramma” or the latest one who plays peek-a-boo. Or I think of my older grandson who recently, in a social media message, accidentally sent me what was meant for a friend, and I blushed at his use of language! (I did speak with his father.) This loneliness is replaced with living and how in the death of the elders we let go of the infusion of youth to take our place. “What is this world coming to!” was my father’s favourite statement, especially when he saw Cher or I Dream of Jeannie showing their belly button on the television. Life can sometimes take away our joy and replace it with loneliness, and it is up to us to get that joy back again. Lonely is welcomed because, alongside joy, wrestling is what makes life so sweet. Our human existence is so fragile that we must find deeper roots beyond the lonely in which to tether our soul.
Life is like the stock market, if you invest everything in one stock and it dies you lose it all, and loneliness takes over. Diversify your wealth, your love, your emotions, and you will have much joy to ward off the loneliness. Most of all choose to be joyful. The loved ones that die before us, become frail or sick, or live in a world of their own, would not want you to die with them or suffer in a sea of loneliness. Being lonely and pining for what is past can be let go and honoured. All we have is now and to live in the now, doing a puzzle to redirect the lonely, brings joy. Honouring the six decades of happiness by being present with her now and then living life for self is not a sin, it is living fully and appreciating that life happens. When we watch life from a “now” perspective realizing the past and waiting patiently for the future expands joy.
Being alone does not mean you must be lonely. Make friends with yourself and watch the world through the eyeglasses of peace. We come into the world alone and we go out alone taking with us the experiences lived. We leave behind the same joy with our loved ones in hopes their lives were better lived because of us. I know I want my loved ones to remember me with passion and fun, not loneliness and loss. When life deals you lonely remember, you cannot be lonely if you like the person you are alone with. Process the grief of the loss so you can live again.
Sidenote: Next week will be the one-year anniversary of this column. I wonder if you are reading this would you send me a quote, note, or hello that I can refer to in next week’s column. I am considering publishing the year’s work in a volume and would enjoy any testimonials you wish to share! Hope you had a great Victoria Day weekend!
Blessings and joy,
Cynthia
Cynthia Breadner is a grief specialist and bereavement counsellor, a soul care worker and offers specialized care in Spiritually Integrated Psychotherapy with special attention as a cognitive behaviourial therapy practitioner and trauma incident resolution facilitator. She volunteers at hospice, works as a LTC chaplain and is a death doula, assisting with end-of-life care for client and family. She is the mother part of the #DanCynAdventures duo and practices fitness, health, and wellness. She is available remotely by safe and secure video connections, if you have any questions contact her today!
